Prometheus. A review. Seriously.
Prometheus is a hilarious comedy in the tradition of "Spaceballs" and "Men in Black" about a motley crew of forgetful, scaredy-cat scientists who go into space and try to find their alien creator. They find maps in caves that are their invitation, but this turns out to be a hilarious trick, like a mousetrap for retards.
The first scene is a giant, german-looking albino steroid guy who drinks some coffee out of an ashtray and gets sick and falls in the waterfall. Special effects reveal that he has little, tiny ladders in his blood called D&A. This guy looks like a member of the Blue Man Group, except White. There is a UFO flying overhead that is never seen or mentioned ever again in the movie. Just one of the many pranks that the writers and director have put in the movie to trick you with.
Next we meet these two very forgetful and silly scientists and they get to go into space on a beautiful ship. It is taken care of by a gay robot who does stuff like dye his hair and dress up like Robocop with a colander on his head to entertain himself. If C3PO had a human face, he would be this guy. All of the silly bungling scientists wake up from hyper-sleep in time to watch a hilarious hologram of a guy in an "old man" mask that looks like the Emperor from Return of the Jedi. I think he is wearing the old guy mask to get some laughs from the wacky scientists, but no one notices it. There is another funny guy with unconventional hair and tattoos who is really mean to everyone - that's so true! Guys that look like that are always dicks!
The spaceship starts to land on the planet, and as luck would have it, lands exactly near the alien castle on the very first try without even looking around too much - another hilarious example of serendipity! These guys are so lucky and fun to watch! The crazy scientists go into the alien castle and two of the guys get so scared that they decide to go back to the ship and get lost, even though they have flying superballs that make 3D maps of everything. Those two bungling doofuses! They are like "Dumb & Dumber" or "Abott & Costello". The rest of the gang finds more poisonous coffee and somehow the gay robot steals a whole pot of it without anyone noticing. He's such a Sneaky-Pete!
Everyone has to go back to the ship at the last minute because the Captian pranks them and waits until a violent storm is nearby before telling them about it! Ha! This guy is great! The two bungling idiot scientists get stuck in the castle and decide to goof-off all night. They try to pet a space cobra that lives in the poisonous coffee, but it kills them, which I think is what ALL cobras wish to do, space or no. Meanwhile, back on the ship, the gay robot does a HILARIOUS prank on the whiny scientist who wears a hipster scarf. He puts a little poisonous coffee in this jerk's drink and gives him pink eye and diarrhoea (probably). Haha! That's like a whoopee cushion x100! Luckily the scientist has enough health left to hump his forgetful girlfriend one last time before he is gets super-sick from the bad coffee. As one last prank to his fellow scientists, he suits up and goes back to the castle with them, even though he secretly knows he is very, very sick. Hahaha!. What an inconvenience to the rest of the group - the ultimate prank!
The mean lady burns him later. The forgetful scientist gets pregnant with a white octopus and has to take it out using Michael Jackson's special oxygen bed. Now here is where the movie gets really hilarious, because she TOTALLY forgets that the alien squid is in there and just leaves to go do some errands! HAHAHAHA! It turns out that the funny guy in the old man mask is really hiding on the ship and he does some funny slapstick "old man walking" with a cane! I love it!
Everyone goes back to the alien castle for yet a THIRD time, this time to prank the space jockey who lives there. This guy is trying to take a nap, but they keep buggin' him! Man, I hate that too! Anyway, they wake him up and start yelling at him, but he is SUPER cranky and kills everybody really fast, exactly the way I would have done it. The funny guy in the old man mask gets a GIANT bump on his head, just like on Bugs Bunny when someone gets an anvil dropped on them! Just another hilarious example of the comedy stylings of Ridley Scott. Luckily, without too much trouble the forgetful scientist sneaks away and easily convinces the funny captain to crash his ship into the space jockey's ship so he can't prank everyone on earth with the old "poison coffee routine." The mean lady gets crushed because the alien ship starts to roll like a big wagon wheel and she runs DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF ITS PATH for big laughs from the audience. Classic slapstick.
Now here is where the set-up with the very, very forgetful scientist girl really pays off with BIG LAUGHS. She goes back to Michael Jackson's bed area and it turns out that the alien squid that she forget to throw in the garbage is now HUGE! This part reminded me of the hilarious movie "Men in Black" where Will Smith gets alien tentacles wrapped around him and screams in a high-pitched voice! Classic Sci-Fi comedy moments all around! Anyway, the forgetful scientist tricks the cranky nap-albino to go near the giant squid, and guess what? It gets him good so she can get away once again with plenty of luck on her side. Amazing!
The movie ends when the forgetful scientist makes friends with the gay robot head that killed her boyfriend and wanted to do the same to her, but hey - let bygones be bygones. Forgive and forget. They sail off together in another ship to go have more zany, whacky space-comedy adventures together! Hooray!
Oh, but wait! At the very, very, very end, an alien hatches out of the cranky nap-guy's belly and spits out its dentures! I wish the funny guy in the old man mask had done that too! I can't wait to see this one again this weekend. I think there are many, many, many other jokes and riddles that were never explained or that I missed while I was laughing at the other stuff. Intentional plot holes are the ultimate prank on the audience. It's like the whole movie just gave you two middle fingers with simultaneous fart noises.
Ten out of ten stars! See this one with your little kids!